In the previous post I talked about how when we go into emotional overwhelm we can fall into a fixed mindset. I mentioned how toxic this could be to an organisation, but I was shocked when I watched Phil Wickham's Stanford talk where he estimates that this "Drama Tax" can cost 50-70% of productivity. Those are some serious numbers for start-ups and my experience is that this applies (albeit at a lesser rate) for established organisations too.
Phil references the Karpman's Drama Triangle and it provides a lens to see and articulate the mechanics of drama (conflict) in our personal and professional lives. It is quite sobering to realise that I've played each of these roles personally and professionally.
I've also known people who are energized by the drama and seen how this ripples outwards; explains the "no assholes rule". My favourite tool for identifying and dealing with these "energy thieves" is the book "Emotional Vampires at Work". Now I find myself wanting the next level of depth that this book hints at.
I've found that depth through combining Boyd cycles (OODA loops) with emotional windows of tolerance. As a military strategist, Boyd's objective was to defeat an enemy by continuously resetting - "getting inside" - their OODA loop, or by pushing them into "overwhelm". The great thing is that this model gives us the tools to do the exact opposite; calming and empowering us to do our very best.
This model gives us the answer to the Drama Triangle; we want to interrupt the self-reinforcing loops of the defensive, fixed mindset ("Orientation") and move out of overwhelm. This gives the space to create a positive, growth mindset and transform drama triangles into something positive. This transformation begins and ends with ourselves - the only person we can be the source for.
“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing [themselves].”
― Leo Tolstoy
Working with our mindsets or orientations is deep work and I strongly recommend a professional coach (therapist) in this journey. That being said, there is a simple thing we can do to make life better for ourselves and those around us: sensitivity. By being aware of the triggers that push us and others into overwhelm we can reduce the drama in our lives. Imagine what can be done with all that free energy?
Each one of us will have unique triggers - positive and negative - based on our experience, but there are a couple of sensitivity models that can give us excellent guidance. The first is the SCARF model by David Rock (see following image) and second is the five languages of love.
Both of these models make the point that each individual has a different weighting for each sensitivity dimension. This highlights the danger of assuming everyone thinks the same way we do, e.g. the "Golden Rule" - I personally prefer the "Platinum Rule".
Awareness of these triggers (sensitivity) help us to navigate the emotional seas we deal with every day personally and socially. When we have a win-win mentality, we want to keep both ourselves, and others, within their windows of tolerance so we can be our very best. We can't avoid the difficult discussions we need to have, but we can frame them in ways that will deliver the best outcomes.
I've committed myself to minimize my "drama tax" and any "drama footprint" I cause others. I hope that others will do the same once they have the lens to see the waste this causes.
