"Ego" is not a dirty word...

The concept of ego - you'll get the irony of this in the end I hope - is something I've been worrying at like a dog with a bone.  This was triggered after I read Ryan Holiday's book, "Ego is the enemy"; the demonization of the ego felt very, very wrong.  There is no argument that an unhealthy ego is dangerous to us and those around us, but what makes a healthy ego?  More importantly, what is it and why do we have one?

Before we have a sense of self (see the "mirror test") we are directly connected to the world and our "machinery" (bodies).  This is an intensely intimate state that is powerful and is highly sought after for peak performance.  Flow, as detailed in Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi's book "Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience" articulates the attributes of suppressing the "self" for a time.  If the suppression of self is so wonderful, why do we have one?  The positive and negative space of flow explains this:

Flow (self-less)	Consciousness (self-aware)
Focus on present	Focus on the past and future (planning)
Merging of action and awareness	Space between stimulus and response (growth)
Loss of self consciousness	Awareness of social dynamics
Sense of control	Awareness of how little we control
Limited, or no sense of time	Temporal awareness

When we are in flow, or an id state, it looks like we function purely on our procedural memory - reacting to stimulus as it arrives.  If you have a well developed and appropriate procedural memory, this is a fast, tactical system without peer.  This raises three obvious issues;

·         How are sophisticated procedural memories built?

·         How can we operate effectively in a social environment? 

·         If we are "stuck" in the present, how can we plan for the future based on our past?

The way only way to do these is to "separate" from the now.  This is a really hard thing to do, but it gives us two new super powers: awareness of others and the awareness of time.  The hard part is the illusion of separating from our body's "now" machinery.   And this is the paradox of the self; it is both real and an illusion.  It is real in that the self is layered on top of the "now" machinery in the brain, but it is also an illusion because the self pretends that the now isn't.

This explains mysticism's focus on connecting the "self" back to the "now"

When we separate from the now we move into a binary world of "is" and "is not".   The first, and hardest, binary is what is me and what is not.  Binary is the most effective (see information theory) way to store information, but it relies on context or "categories".   And this is where the fun begins because each category is arbitrary.  And then we use these categories to build models - some call them dreams - of how the world works (I'll talk about this more another time).

A danger in the early transition period from now to self is grandiosity: "I am responsible for all outcomes".  This means when bad things happen, we believe we are to blame and this creates toxic models in our "self". 

At a fundamental level, we suffer from binary tension because we know that these binary categories are approximations and yet we act on them as if they were "true".   Now we can argue that the ego is really the self, but for the purposes of this discussion let's restrict it to its function as an emotional buffer system; normalizing our highs and lows.  The normalization of our emotional response is critical for two reasons; first we use the body's survival machinery and second, we drop back into procedural memory ("now") when we get overwhelmed or "flooded".

We use our foundational fight, flight and freeze system when we project ourselves in time and relationships.  This explains why we feel "like we could die" when we suffer a faux pas.  It is also why when we look into the future, we can become very distressed as all possibilities can feel "real".   This can create some very strange patterns of behaviour!

Protecting ourselves from getting into an overwhelmed state is critical function of our ego; we often make tactically sound decisions that are strategically disastrous.  The way we normalize or regulate our emotional state is equally vital as the wrong strategy may result in a spiral of doom.  We have a lot of lore about this from "desire is suffering" to the "seven deadly" sins.

In a funny way, I think Scott Adams encapsulates the heart of "desire is suffering" beautifully,

"…you will spend every moment until you reach the goal— if you reach it at all— feeling as if you were short of your goal. In other words, goal-oriented people exist in a state of nearly continuous failure that they hope will be temporary. That feeling wears on you. In time, it becomes heavy and uncomfortable. It might even drive you out of the game.",
Adams, Scott. How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big: Kind of the Story of My Life (p. 32). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

And 

"If you achieve your goal, you celebrate and feel terrific, but only until you realize you just lost the thing that gave you purpose and direction. Your options are to feel empty and useless, perhaps enjoying the spoils of your success until they bore you, or set new goals and reenter the cycle of permanent presuccess failure."
Adams, Scott. How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big: Kind of the Story of My Life (p. 32). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

 My experience of goals, outside "day-tight" compartments, is that they are an emotionally ineffective way of making progress.  Systems, on the other hand help us to relax in our journey,

"A system is something you do on a regular basis that increases your odds of happiness in the long run. If you do something every day, it’s a system. If you’re waiting to achieve it someday in the future, it’s a goal."
Adams, Scott. How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big: Kind of the Story of My Life (p. 33). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

 The seven deadly sins speak to what is (un)healthy, individually and in groups, to strive for.  As Covey points out,

"It’s incredibly easy to get caught up in an activity trap, in the busyness of life, to work harder and harder at climbing the ladder of success only to discover it’s leaning against the wrong wall. It is possible to be busy—very busy—without being very effective."
Covey, Stephen R.. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change (25th Anniversary Edition) (Kindle Locations 1921-1923). RosettaBooks. Kindle Edition.

 There are really three categories in the seven deadly sins;

·         Don't let the overwhelm (fight, flight & freeze) states rule you:  Sloth & Wrath

·         Don’t over or underestimate yourself or others: Envy and Pride

·         Don't set goals for (excessively) more than you need: Lust, Gluttony and Greed.

The negative space view of the sins guides us to what we should be aiming for:

·         Exercise within our window of tolerance: Patience & Diligence

·         Be honest with yourself, no matter how frightening it is: Humility & Kindness

·         Use systems and grow at a healthy rate: Temperance, Generosity & Chastity.

Finally, our ego is like a muscle,

"It is not enough to know how to do it; one must do it, consistently, in the same way as athletes or musicians who must keep practicing what they know in theory."
Csikszentmihalyi, Mihaly. Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience (Harper Perennial Modern Classics) (p. 21). HarperCollins. Kindle Edition.

 What I think Ryan was talking about in his book "the ego is the enemy" is when we build broken models to comfort ourselves.  The ego isn't the problem nor are the models - it is that the models are misaligned, and we believe them real.

I'll finish with two quotes I really like about ego,

"I also recommend exercising your ego the way you’d exercise any other muscle. Try putting yourself in situations that will surely embarrass you if things go wrong, or maybe even if they don’t."
Adams, Scott. How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big: Kind of the Story of My Life (p. 130). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

And

"'is-not', is not, 'not-is'"
The Great Time Machine Hoax by Kieth Laumer, 1964

The fixed mindset and the drama tax

In the previous post I talked about how when we go into emotional overwhelm we can fall into a fixed mindset.  I mentioned how toxic this could be to an organisation, but I was shocked when I watched Phil Wickham's Stanford talk where he estimates that this "Drama Tax" can cost 50-70% of productivity.  Those are some serious numbers for start-ups and my experience is that this applies (albeit at a lesser rate) for established organisations too.

Phil references the Karpman's Drama Triangle and it provides a lens to see and articulate the mechanics of drama (conflict) in our personal and professional lives.  It is quite sobering to realise that I've played each of these roles personally and professionally. 

I've also known people who are energized by the drama and seen how this ripples outwards; explains the "no assholes rule".  My favourite tool for identifying and dealing with these "energy thieves" is the book "Emotional Vampires at Work".  Now I find myself wanting the next level of depth that this book hints at.

I've found that depth through combining Boyd cycles (OODA loops) with emotional windows of tolerance.  As a military strategist, Boyd's objective was to defeat an enemy by continuously resetting - "getting inside" - their OODA loop, or by pushing them into "overwhelm".  The great thing is that this model gives us the tools to do the exact opposite; calming and empowering us to do our very best.

This model gives us the answer to the Drama Triangle; we want to interrupt the self-reinforcing loops of the defensive, fixed mindset ("Orientation") and move out of overwhelm.  This gives the space to create a positive, growth mindset and transform drama triangles into something positive.  This transformation begins and ends with ourselves - the only person we can be the source for. 

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing [themselves].”

― Leo Tolstoy

Working with our mindsets or orientations is deep work and I strongly recommend a professional coach (therapist) in this journey.  That being said, there is a simple thing we can do to make life better for ourselves and those around us: sensitivity.  By being aware of the triggers that push us and others into overwhelm we can reduce the drama in our lives.  Imagine what can be done with all that free energy?

Each one of us will have unique triggers - positive and negative - based on our experience, but there are a couple of sensitivity models that can give us excellent guidance.  The first is the SCARF model by David Rock (see following image) and second is the five languages of love.

Both of these models make the point that each individual has a different weighting for each sensitivity dimension.  This highlights the danger of assuming everyone thinks the same way we do, e.g. the "Golden Rule" - I personally prefer the "Platinum Rule".  

Awareness of these triggers (sensitivity) help us to navigate the emotional seas we deal with every day personally and socially.  When we have a win-win mentality, we want to keep both ourselves, and others, within their windows of tolerance so we can be our very best.  We can't avoid the difficult discussions we need to have, but we can frame them in ways that will deliver the best outcomes.

I've committed myself to minimize my "drama tax" and any "drama footprint" I cause others.  I hope that others will do the same once they have the lens to see the waste this causes.

Discomfort is our frenemy!

"The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.", Marcus Aurelius

We'd all like to think we are rational beings first, but the reality is we're emotional first and logical second.  I remember the first became conscious of this - it was when an ABC radio program was talking about the "debt-snowball method" (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Debt-snowball_method).  Logically it makes sense to pay down the debt with the highest interest rate, but this method does something different - it targets the smallest debt first.

The key point the proponent of the debt-snowball method was making was that attempting the logical thing was (emotionally) overwhelming to his clients and, when overwhelmed, they would often make their situation worse! 

Gambling is particularly insidious for people in a debt crisis as each little "win" gives them the illusion of progress, when the reality is the system is engineered for them to (on average) lose.

I've seen this emotional overwhelm also happen in the work environment.  When I worked at EDS, I saw onboarded teams transform from "poor" to "great" just by providing them a way to transfer or escalate risks and issues to someone who could and would help.  I've seen this with my teams as well - a few small wins can make a huge transformational change in confidence and achievements.

It was only when my neighbour, an awesome therapist who often works with veterans who suffer from PTSD, recently introduced me to the concept of the "window of tolerance" that I finally grokked (got the gestalt of) what underpins the debt-snowball method.  This concept says that development, or change, can only occur in the emotional "goldilocks" zone of discomfort: neither relaxed or overwhelmed.  It necessarily also needs structure. 

Key symptoms of emotional overwhelm - individually and organizationally - are described beautifully in Carol Dweck's book, "Mindset" and Stephen Covey's book, "7 Habits..".  The two key mind-set dimensions I use are:

• Internal: fixed versus growth mind-sets;
• External: scarcity versus abundance mind-sets. 

The book, Mindset, describes how this manifests individually and I've also seen this manifest at scale in the workplace.  I've been in an environment where "manage by story" trumped "manage by evidence" and it isn't fun; the only people who thrived in these conditions were comforters (schmoozers) and blamers (snipers). 

Once you know you are outside the zone of tolerance (personally or professionally) how do you solve this? An answer to this is in a surprising place - Toastmasters.  Their process is often unspoken and fiendishly simple:

• Find a friendly audience (or coach) that will help you stay in the "zone" through:
• Emotional support (prefer shared experience) and encouragement.
• Feedback delivered in an emotionally effective way.
• Find a structured approach to the technical aspect of what you are trying to learn or achieve
• Learn a small technique (see the debt-snowball method)
• Practice the technique by taking risks that keep you in and help you expand the "goldilocks" zone of discomfort.
• Slowly add to your technique library and practice until you reach the desired level.
• Avoid the siren's call of "false comforts"
• Fixed mind-set!  Especially the avoidance or rejection of discomfort
• Superstitious thinking - always validate with evidence.  Accept not knowing.

For me this framework has completely revolutionized how I deal with my discomfort - it is now something to be mindfully optimized!  There are a couple of key caveats to this:

• Choosing what domain to optimize discomfort in is just as important as what you decide not to - be true to your calling, purpose or mission.
• The training principle of periodization (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sports_periodization), or advancement by oscillation, applies - rest is just as important as action.  The pomedoro technique is a good example of this.
• These optimizations are domain specific but they do (consciously and unconsciously) transfer between domains.

I'd recommend anyone starting this practice begin with physical exercise for two main reasons: it is relatively simple to measure discomfort (heart rate), measure progress (duration) and has a host of secondary benefits.  Read the book "Spark: the revolutionary new science of exercise and the brain" by Ratey and Hagerman for more detailed information. 

The approach for an organization is different in that instead of finding a supportive audience, it is leadership's role to create that supportive environment for the culture.  It is important to note that a culture that is in overwhelm (technical or emotional) will fight change much, much more than a normal organisation.

Notes:

• Window of tolerance - coined by Daniel Siegel in the book "Mindsight"
• Book at:  https://www.amazon.com/Mindsight-New-Science-Personal-Transformation/dp/0553386395
• Image from: https://www.amazon.com/Trauma-Treatment-Meaning-Centered-Foundational-Phase-Work/dp/0984640886
• Mindset:  https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck-ebook/dp/B000FCKPHG
• Abundance vs Scarcity:  https://www.amazon.com/Habits-Highly-Effective-People-Powerful-ebook/dp/B00GOZV3TM
• Spark:  https://www.amazon.com/Spark-Revolutionary-Science-Exercise-Brain-ebook/dp/B000SFD21Q
• Advancement by oscillation comes from the book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00ARPEJC8/

I believe this is one of the key attributes of emotional maturity - learning to regulate and articulate our discomfort.

Value versus completeness

A while back, one of the sales guys I know intentionally left his job without a new one to go to.  I was surprised at how they were quietly confident that they could land their next gig without any problem - they have lots of practice selling themselves and their products/services.  This is in stark contrast to my technical colleagues who would be freaking out in this situation.  This made me stop and think - what is different given both technical and sales deliver value?  I put it down to how we measure our successes.

Completeness as the measure

I believe technical people usually measure their success by their completeness (breadth/depth/accuracy).  And when I consider my education it was all about being able to prove or demonstrate that I "knew" my material and could apply it across various situations.  Correctness - within a "black box" - was the measure of success.  And let me be clear, correctness is important; we don't want bridges falling down!  Success was a finished product within time, budget and quality constraints.  The why and the value people might get from that product was (understandably) not covered.

Value as the measure

From what I can see of my current gig in technical sales, it is all about value; the value of what you offer, matching that offering to a need (fitness) and finally realising that value (execution).  Identification of your value and their need is just as important as being able to communicate or articulate it in a way that can be consumed.  The measure of success is much simpler; a successful transaction.

Perception and Paradigm

I never realised how skewed my perception was to completeness and how at odds it is with the way the world works.  Looking at nature I see that nothing is immortal (complete), yet everything still thrives in messy imperfection.  In fact, it is that imperfection that can lead to new and wonderful things; incomplete and imperfect is paradoxically the heart of innovation.  Innovation through short iterations ensure that the right value is added (and removed) to be "fit" within an ever changing environment.

Challenge

My challenge is to not fuss about completeness or perfection and focus more on identifying, articulating and delivering value.

A personal philosophy

I have challenged myself to write out my personal philosophy as it is and as it evolves.  I've archived my old posts to focus on this.

Welcome to the adventure...